#maybe this is something to bring up in therapy
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michael kaiser who is a terrible boyfriend but also perfect.
michael kaiser who braids ur hair for u before u sleep because u donāt want it to be too knotty (itās done evilly to manipulate u)
michael kaiser who tucks u in and talks u to sleep if u ask for it because u always tell him his voice is nice (done evilly so that when ur asleep he can do evil things to u)
michael kaiser who brings u to every single one of his matches and lets the public know about ur relationship and growls at every other woman that might try and hit on him (done evilly to isolate u)
michael kaiser who gives u 50000 euros if u ask for 5 to buy something at the store (done evilly to make sure ur dependant on him)
michael kaiser who never lets u walk on the side of the pavement closest to the side of the road (done evilly because he wants to be the only one to hurt u)
michael kaiser who actually feels a semblance of pity and caring towards u after he hurts u, whether itās punching, fucking, choking whatever the sick guy does to u and he actually bandages u up after and kisses u and tells u heās sorry (done evilly so u can never quite escape him)
michael kaiser who tries to cook for u sometimes when he notices ur a little worn down, or sick, or hears u fawning over some stupid meal u saw on tiktok, and heās not the best cook but when u dig into what he makes for u and smile up at him his heart grows a bit (itās done evilly so u think itās safe to eat his food for when he decides to poison it)
michael kaiser who indulges himself in all of ur random interests, learns all the sanrio characters, learns all the random video games u enjoyed playing in ur childhood; and he actually participates in playing them too (done evilly to make u trust him, the more he knows about u the better)
michael kaiser who feels bad when u cry, and wipes ur tears away, licks them up and pets ur head and affirms u that everything will be fine and u just have to tell him whatās bothering u and heāll fix it for u no matter what it is (done evilly so u act vulnerable around him more often)
michael kaiser who actually attends therapy for u and tries to better himself and be a good boyfriend (he canāt even think of an excuse for this one anymore)
michael kaiser who realises that maybe he isnāt the evil subhuman he always thought he was and he actually might just love u. like a really pure tender love that he didnāt even think he would ever have the pleasure of feeling. when he looks at u he just feels warm inside, he doesnāt feel anything bad, unless u count the sickness that washes over him at his revelation that he really does love u.
kaiser who is conflicted, he doesnāt want u to leave, but maybe that shitty therapy has rubbed off on him; he doesnāt want to manipulate u really to make u stay. he justā¦ he wants to confide in u and put his trust in u that u wonāt leave him. he wears his heart on his sleeve around u and he trusts u.
michael kaiser who really has, mostly, changed. and heās not even sure why. he feels disgusted at himself, but when he sees ur sleeping form next to him he knows itās worth it. u donāt deserve a broken terrible boyfriend, u deserve someone nice. but heās the only nice someone u deserve.
michael kaiser who just really adores u, and is so grateful that ur in his life. michael kaiser who lays awake in his bed full of ur blankets and plushies and just u in general. lays awake with u sleeping on his chest and sighs. he didnāt think he would ever be able to love, or be loved, but he gets the appeal now. he is so full of u and u are so full of him. love isnāt what his parents had, or even what he somehow twisted ness into feeling for him. love isā¦ this. and the thing that scares him the most is that he wouldnāt change it for the world.
but the scariest part is when u stir from ur sleep and kiss him on the cheek and ask him whatās the matter, and he tells u nothing and kisses u back, the scariest thing is he wasnāt lying. everything dissipated when u gave him 3 seconds of ur attention. ur really the remedy to all of his problems. thatās scary, but not really, because his chest is less constricted and heās falling asleep too after ur tender kiss to his cheek. actually, the future doesnāt scare him at all anymore, nothing is like before.
hi everyone :0
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Band-Aids
bf tasm!Peter x fem reader
Mostly fluff, some angst (anxiety)
Word count: ~500
Peter takes care of you when youāre feeling anxious. Includes reading to you, holding hands, and bandaging a minor injury. š«¶
āWould you stop it?ā
āWhat?ā
A web shot out and stopped your hands from fiddling. You rolled your eyes. āReally, sir? Thatās just not fair.ā
āI canāt sit here and watch you pace and anxiety-pick your skin. You can only have oneāand it's pacing."
āGeez, I donāt even get a vote?ā
āNo, not when youāre causing yourself pain.ā
You sighed. āNot a lot of pain, though.ā
āIām trying to prevent any pain I can.ā
āWell, youāre too lateāI already drew blood.ā
Peter motioned you over to the bed where you thought he'd been watching something on his laptop. In reality, he must have been watching you pace back and forth. It had been a āfree-floating anxietyā kind of week for you. Little sleep. Generally feeling like a shaken-up soda bottleānot because you were going to explode, but because the anxiety left you kind of vibrating internally.
Peter took your hands in his and gently unwound the webbing.
āWhere?āĀ
You pouted, holding up your left thumb. By obsessively picking at your cuticle, youād drawn a tiny bit of blood.Ā
āOh, I see. All right, Iāll get the Band-Aids. But only if you get into bed. You lay down, and Iāll bring the dressing to you.ā
āāDressingā sounds very dramatic. Iām not exactly on the battlefield here.ā
He hesitated in the doorway. āArenāt you?ā His eyes were earnest and sympathetic. Maybe he had a point. You were battlingājust not a person. Or anything anybody could see.
You went and got into bed, and Peter soon joined you with the box of Band-Aids.
āTa-da! Okay, let me see your thumb.ā
As he wrapped your tiny wound, you yawned. He looked at you, wide-eyed. āOh my goodness. Might she finally be able to sleep?ā
āShush! Donāt jinx it!ā But you could almost giggle now. And exhaustion was finally starting to settle heavily over you. āThank you for this,ā you added, giving him a thumbs-up with your freshly bandaged thumb.
He kissed it. āAll better.ā
āYeah, I wish.ā
āI know,ā he murmured, kissing you on the forehead. āWhy donāt you try sleeping now?ā
āYeah, I guess I am healed after all.ā With a sigh, you stretched out and adjusted the pillow behind your head. Peter started preparing himself to go to bed.
āWait!ā
He turned and then shook his head with a knowing little smirk. āYou want me to read to you, donāt you?āĀ
āOnly always,ā you yawned as he scanned the room for reading material.
āCome on, youāre already yawning. I donāt want to miss this window!ā
You realized the Band-Aid box had kind of gotten tucked in with you and you handed it to him. āHere, just read this.ā
āI guess Iām lucky itās not War and Peace.ā
You smiled, snuggling down and taking hold of Peterās free hand.
āAll right.ā He picked up the Band-Aid box and peered over it very seriously. āFor medical emergenciesā¦ seek professional help.ā
āDonāt worry, I have therapy next week.ā
He chuckled. āQUILT-AID Comfort Pad Designed to cushion painful wounds while you heal.ā
āAmen,ā you murmured, squeezing his hand as your eyes fluttered closed.
āHeals the hurt faster.ā His voice was soft and sweet, like a lullaby.
#tasm!peter imagine#tasm peter parker#tasm!peter x reader#tasm fic#tasm peter imagine#tasm!peter fluff#tasm peter x reader#andrew garfield imagine
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CLARI BBY WHEN ARE WE GETTING A NEW GOJO FIC?
HEHEHE I DUNNO ANON BB uhhh iāll probably feel like working on it when season two starts airing!!! i have a great idea for a gojo fic that i love so much that i definitely do want to finish,,, at some point,,,,,, hoping seeing him animated again will help motivate me to get it done!
#fingers crosseddddd#unfortunately my brain can only focus on one hyperfixation at a time#maybe one and a half if i really really try#like i really want to pick up a few of my bnha wips while also still being in this intense bsd fixation so#thatās my goal atm#iām predicting that season 2 will throw me headlong back into a jjk hyperfixation#just tryna learn how to juggle my interests LMAO#maybe this is something to bring up in therapy#anyway! yeah! sorry i donāt rly have an answer! but hopefully in the summer haha#we shall see#i also have a lot of anime cons to go to this summer which may jumpstart it as well#hope ur having an awesome friday anon!#enjoy ur weekend n stay safe + hydrated!!#inky.bb#clari gets mail#inky.jjk#i am trying so hard to get this blog ORGANIZED LMAO#with tags i mean#so itās easier to navigate esp for those only here for one anime
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it was just going to be a few warmup doodles but then she infected the rest of the page like the ever eternal and spreading spores. hod!!! hod. hod :)
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#hod#hod lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#I GUESS i almost forgot i drew her box form#lobcorp spoilers#and michelle actually. ..#both very tiny. itty bitty. microscopic#other sephirah there too as normal. i cant have her alone. and Angelina as well on the top patting her#i have a hard time fully capturing her for some reason. in my mind. maybe its because is the disconnected period!!! mentally#she genuinely wishes to care and be kind yet theres a dissonance with what she does..? or how it ends up being taken or what she does to en#up bringing those actions into reality. she can be forceful? wanting to have employees attend therapy sessions and meetings for suppression#tactics. which i think is also something the safety team is incharge of iirc. so that means shes doing way more that what she needs to on#her job as a sephirah. just for the sake of employees#she really does care as shes one of the only to Directly attempt to change their circumstances and quality of life and health#sure chesed doesnt punish employees when they dont do their work assigned or stress them out with work#but he doesnt actively push to attempt to make changes to aid employees besides the research perks which is to the manager#yesod IS right next to her and does also genuinely care but when it comes to employees hes distant at best when it comes to them and the#way he tries to protect them is by enforcing rules but he doesnt really create or attempt to help them like hod does#yesod is sort of a passive? way of doing it. yes he doesn make a push to enforce said rules but he doesnt make new ones. just follows what#is already there in place. hod tries to make new ways and not just for the safety of people like how yesod's has them physically fine and#not letting them over a certain threshold of mental corruption but she tries to have a program to Directly Address such a thing#its born out of care but the genuine worry of being a good person and her naivety ends up having it do more harm than good#sure there may be some employees that actually like and find it useful but so many are just accepting to their fate of Dying to where#her care seems pointless. shes a sephirah and to them a literal metal box why would they go ahead and feel bad for what an 'ai' is feeling#as she is interrupting their free time in the company#which is rude. and shit. iirc the counseling is compulsory but people go because shes a sephirah and their superior. the thought was there#but again it comes off wrong and ends up not working because shes their superior in the end#EEK!!! yeah... hod. the hod. there is WAY more but i can't fit it all here and i already typed enough
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How (if at all) has Temp changed after the whole "being burned at the stake because the french were salty" deal
Well for one I think he has a big fear of fire now naturally and (I forget to draw this constantly but) burn scars over half of his body not just on his face. Heās kinda self conscious about em and has his bad confidence days but heās learning how to love himself more these days and itās getting better :)
I also wanna go the really angsty route and say that because of the smoke inhalation damage to his lungs - he canāt sing beautifully like he used to and even his speaking voice is raspier and a bit quiet now
He and France are very cold and barely civil to each other now - everyone knows not to leave those two in a room together alone. More often than not Gil ends up being the default mediator between em lol
#sorry I was at work lol#I donāt wanna say itās all bad tho#Gilās been encouraging him to go join one of those choirs that train and use ex smokers to sing in their own way again#itās been giving him his vocal confidence and happiness back#he goes every week and brings treats for the others#the entire class loves him heās their little sweetheart#heās like a grandchild to em#dw everyone heās attending therapy and itās helping :)#and when he feels sad and ugly Gil wraps him in blankets and cuddles (wrestles) him hard#rain kisses on that boy š¤#also he has a cat#ngl the first name that popped up in my head was Smokey but thatās cruel š#itās a darker shaded tortie and heās probably named her something like Angelica or Josephine lmao#something with fancy spelling and cherubic sounding#maybe Cherub is her name#thatd be cute#wow this is getting long sorry lol#teutemp#hws teutonic knights#hws knights templar
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I have a vision of like pre-S1 Steve Harrington with a glass bottle he broke as an improvised weapon but instead of cheap beer it's like,, fancy, imported sparkling water.
#i cant draw so everyone just has to imagine this#steve harrington#steve and the party#stranger things#this would be in a time travel situation#and the visual dissonance that forces the other party members (and probably Eddie) to realise that pre-UD steve#is not some weird clone or changeling#that he always had the capacity ability and desire to do good#just no opportunities because he was in a world where bad behaviour was essentially being rewarded 24/7#he said something bitchy and got a pat on the back but if he helped a freshman he'd probably be called a slur by his only friends#self protection isnt a crime and we never see s1 steve do anything as bad as characters act like he did?? people in later seasons talk to#and about steve like he was physically abusive and vile#but like legally jonathan did a whole sex crime and no one brings that up#anyways they all time travel back and need his help and even though he has no idea who they are (except Eddie again) but he's still ready#to protect them#wow this got very long and maybe should have been its own post#oh well#the duffer bros write like all jocks are evil and must be redeemed for liking sports. very weird behaviour please unpack that in therapy
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Iāve been asking the boy to come meet the pony fairly regularly since the start of the year and itās been nothing but excuses (some legit others ā¦ less so)
And while yes this planned the cliche 30 business days but the contrast is staggering. Like my one friend suggested it to me and the other responded so enthusiastically and yes she rode horses and they both have dogs and thus are more animal people and both live closer to the barn but like still.
Also I am now excited for my friends to meet my pony!
#it wasnāt the biggest relationship issue#but him never making the time or ever bringing it up sure didnāt help anything#itās so much time I canāt#you literally just told me that you have no plans all day#sigh#also whenever heās says maybe to something he never brings it up I always have to ask about it#unless itās making a dinner reservation to some place he wants to go#heās not a proactive scheduler#anyway I have therapy tomorrow with a new therapist and I just want to bitch and then get answers and im annoyed shit doesnāt work that fast
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i donāt understand what people are supposed to talk to their therapists about. my therapist just wants me to apply to jobs. this doesnāt feel right
#post tag#basically iām in therapy BECAUSE i thought there was something i could do for myself other than putting my head down and working#on the goals iāve already identified#like. what is she even doing for me lol#i am going to spend the next two weeks figuring out why i feel weird about this and what i might like instead. articulating it#so iām ready to bring it up to her. and from there weāll see what happens#maybe weāll end up in a better direction. or maybe therapy just isnāt for me. OR maybe iāll stick with this itās not like it hurts really
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I need a tranquilizer after all that, tbh.
#personal#fob#2ourdust#actually is lowkey so embarrassing that i can feel so much about a band#and i know being a fan is a thing#men would never be judged for being emotional after a sport game of some kind#but for some reason i feel like i am doing too much for and about my favorite band#is it because i'm a woman and society says i shouldn't have such strong interests in that anymore?#or something else#therapy next week is gonna be wild already bc i'm going to bring up my existential dread š
but maybe we'll have time to touch on this
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Two things that are true at once:
I am not nearly as mentally ill as Iāve convinced myself I am
I am far sicker than Iāve convinced my friends that I am
#:(#my friend and I were talking about post grad plans and we were talking about how our friend is gonna move in w them + their partner#and eventually we got onto how Iām not confident on my ability to pay rent on place by myself#and then they were like omg wait we were actually just looking at a place w 3 bedrooms and thinking about who else we would want to live w#and I literally brushed them off by saying āoh no Iām a nightmare to live withā and they were like no omg it would be so great!!!!!!#it would not be great. and I am hoping whatever these plans are fall through so I donāt have to say anything about it#because I cannot have roommates. my friends have only encountered my ptsd twice and I managed it well enough that Iām pretty sure#no one noticed. but itās because the vast majority of my triggers are domestic. when I sleep over my moms house I sleep in a bedroom#all the way down the hall away from everything because I cannot hear peopleās footsteps by my door or I freak the fuck out#and just the idea of people drinking or doing drugs in a place I live makes me feel like Iām gonna throw up#Iāve tried living in a single dorm before and that was bad enough that I had to move off of campus my sophomore year#I just really really really donāt want to be serious and tell them I canāt#because I know it would be unfair to all of us#I hate that I view myself as a punishment for other people but I know itās because it is. I would be that crazy roommate thatās brought up#for years afterwards. and it sucks because I like this people even if I know not to trust them#itās also now a pattern that when I bring something up about me not being normal people think itās a joke. which maybe itās my fault#I really need to go back to therapy but do not have the bandwidth to go over the incest thing with a new person right now
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i don't know how to say this without sounding like a freak but mila jovovich is one of the super thin celebs i don't feel threatened by
#maybe the while threatened by super thing people is something to bring up in therapy????#imma be honest my therapist seems a bit disorganized...#i'm like...girl... what *do* we talk about?#personal#body talk#maybe it's a shame thing#does anyone else ever feel this?#on a brighter note i'm getting platform open toed heels for my work trip#i'm gonna stomp on everyone#aks me a question and my answer will be STOMP
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Canāt this day be over already I just canāt stand seeing the date all the time and being reminded of it all again
#it keeps bringing me back to that day#Iāve been thinking about it since last night couldnāt sleep because of it#had a panic attack too which I hadnāt had in a while#so yeah I truly canāt get over it despite living like I was yk I never really talk about how I felt when it happened#nor how I feel about it now and didnāt mention it to anyone today because I didnāt want to make them sad as well#except someone did in the family gc and it also ended up pissing me off because even then theyāre so annoying#and I know itās something that happens to anyone at some point and all that and some people have it way worse than me but fuck does it still#hurt like a bitch#guess itās yet another reason why I should go to therapy but since thatās not happening anytime soon apparently I rant about it here#I couldnāt even cry about it freely all day because it spent it with my brother and I donāt want to remind him of that either#maybe they all feel like that too inside but we donāt really talk about that#anyway!#3h23 more to go and Iāll be free (I wonāt but at least Iāll have less reasons to think about it)
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yeah reading Stephen Kingās memoir (has never read a SK book, memoir was a gift) and well he talks abt substance and alcohol abuse a lot and Iāve been thinking about it a lot recently since I know that my family has a predisposition to alcoholism and I am soā¦Iām not sure. Scared isnāt the right word. I perceive the future in this way that I just know that Iām going to end up somewhere I do not want to be. Even with the knowledge that it may happen. And it should be scary I think, I feel like I should be scared. So why arenāt I?
#things i should mention in therapy but donāt#personal#ok to rb but idk why youād want to#itās just like. hm. iāve accepted it as fact. yes my dad spends too much a year on caffeine and my mom canāt go an evening without a couple#glasses and i see the outcome and know that itās going to be me and maybe this little thing iām feeling is hope? that it wonāt turn out#that way? that iāll break the cycle? perhaps. and yet when i picture my fourties i see myself in an apartment and a partner with the life#that iāve always wanted. so why is addiction a part of something ideal? again. things i should bring up in therapy but donāt. anyways#yeah iām just going in circles at this point.#i donāt know. i donāt know.#too much. itās 5pm why am i diary posting#too much too much#sorry this is so stupid
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day one million and one of the struggle of whether to come out to my parents or not
#u can tell the therapy is working bc i've been trying (w mixed results) to float opportunities to have more vulnerable conversations w them#i'm proud of myself for that#up until recently i don't think i could have faced the idea that my feelings are worth bringing up unprompted#even when it's positive things like 'this meant a lot to me' or 'i'm happy to see you'#there has always been this internal pressure to hide and keep my emotional distance and be only and exactly what i'm supposed to be...#but back on topic: the creating openings and taking initiative thing has also been difficult bc it leaves me open to disappointment#i know you can't force ppl to meet you or even (intimately familiar w this one) understand what you're trying to say#and i hated it when my sister's response to this failure to react was to try to manipulate a 'correct' response out of them#so i don't wanna find myself doing that#but if i'm not gonna do that then i have to admit that (1) i didn't get what i want and (2) maybe can't or won't#and while that's not New per se (i have been resigned to not getting what i want emotionally for most of my life)#it still stings and it feels kind of raw bc i am new to acknowledging validating and/or even feeling my feelings#if there is one thing i have been learning from therapy it is that it is okay if it takes time or if something doesn't work#and that sometimes it takes others time too so even if everything isn't hugging and crying in the moment it doesn't necessarily mean#that nothing got through#so i'm not ready to give up yet or refuse to try something different#it's just that i feel i need to get some hint that they'll give me something back other than 'ok' and change the subject b4 i try coming out#i am more and more convinced that it's something i want to do; because keeping this from them makes me so sad#accepting that i am queer and opening myself up to being honest about that has allowed me to be so much happier#but it's a happiness i can't share with them. and it feels like such a loss that i can't let them see me happy#even so all the same i feel like i have to try to reach out to them and make them hear that i love them before i can do that#because it would break my fucking heart if it made them treat me like a stranger#i sometimes still don't feel like they treat me like their kid so much as a cordial acquaintance or a colleague#but those moments of love really mean the world to me and i feel like i have to find a way to fill myself up on it in case i lose it#on some level i know it can't all be gooey emotion and there's no way around having to feel some feelings alone#but that little taste of connection... the night of T's wedding... i know it CAN happen and it makes it so hard to keep reaching and missing
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the one thing iām at peace with about my sisters abusive behavior is that i will never forgive her
#still triggered from seeing her and her bringing up our parents being shitty#in front of our parents!!#girl what position do you think that puts ME in#also. the only time i remember being forced to eat something it WASNT THEM#so maybe donāt tell me about MY trauma#when what you did was much worse#anyways v triggered canāt sleep and iām going to have to talk about it in therapy tomorrow#i just really hope she kills herself sorry#even if that just makes her a statistic. idc#i hate her#with my whole heart
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kinda sucks chatgpt and the like suck so hard bc like. tbh, id probably be better off socializing with a computer than with actual people
#cant fuck up with an ai#if im awkward or cringe or stupid it doesnt matter#i can just tell the thing to forget that shit#computer wouldnt care if im worthless or useless#but honestly sometimes i think those people using chatgpt for therapy and shit are onto something#character ai too. people are like 'just roleplay' but like#rp communities can be full of judgemental fucks fr. thats why i never really got into it despite wanting to#and rping with friends only works if u have friends to rp with#same with.... talking. hanging out#and u can only get friends if u dont suck as a person and know how to interact with people#which i dont. like. i know the steps of conversation. kind of#but see the thing is step one is dont be a dumb stupid annoying bitch that has nothing to offer#and i fail there#like i wanna connect but i dont want to burden people with my presence. right?#but ai wont gaf unless u tell it to#which brings me back to maybe i should just forego human connection bc im not worthy of it#however.... no........fuck ai.........#(gen ai specifically. obvi)#i dont. i dont vibe with it#to the void with love
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